My cat Bandit was always special. He was born in a group of 4 siblings, and was the only one that looked Siamese. He was always his own cat. He lived differently. When he started acting differently, it was just part of his personality.
He would be the one that got stuck in the tree, or under the neighbors house and refused to come out. He would be the one that went into a yard with a mean little Corgi. I had to pick him up all over the neighborhood because of his adventuresome spirit.
But I couldn't bear to keep him inside. He was the happiest cat I have ever met in my life. He was just happy. All the time. It would just show. He loved life.
While his siblings caught occasional bugs and brought them inside, he never managed to be able to catch anything. He just didn't seem to do it. Except once, and he was so proud of himself... he talked and talked for a long time.
He would sometimes miss a jump. I noticed little things being different about him. Every time I got worried and planned to take him to the vet, he seemed to get better. Hopping around and running the next time I looked at him. So, by the time I realized how sick he really was, it was too late.
I feel so guilty.
I failed him.
I feel like he always had something wrong. Maybe I missed it somehow. When he went through these changes, I thought he was just going through another wacky phase, because he was full of wacky phases.
He died of kidney failure. And I didn't realize until it was too late. At the same time, considering he would have had treatment after treatment that may have only extended his life by a few months, I think maybe its better that I didn't realize it, but I don't know? Its hard to know. I had to rush him to the emergency vet. My regular vet doesn't know yet, and I'm scared to tell them. I had his labs drawn every year, and nothing ever showed up.
My sweet bandit-boy is gone. I loved him so very much. He was a bright light. I have his siblings, but my house is eerily quiet without him. I hope he knew how much I loved him. I hope he loved his little life here. I hope he loved our home and our yard. I hope that it was the best life he could have possibly had.
I'm sad, but it isn't about me.
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